How To Mug A Tramp

The phrase “survival of the fittest” has never (or at least not often) held more relevance than the art of mugging a tramp. An inexperienced person may attempt the ‘smash and grab’ technique that would struggle to merit one star on Grand Theft Auto, though it has to be taken into consideration that tramps don’t carry around with them pots of gold, so this method may result in someone looking like a failure, thus rendering him/her *insert hurtful abuse here*. Instead, listed below are several plans which would lead to a successful mugging;

I typed in 'tramps' in Google images, I like this one.

Plan A: The Financial Negotiation

You’ve seen it in films, TV shows and in real life, the negotiation stage is often regarded as the ‘tricky’ part of the deal, but these negotiations involve well educated individuals – mainly. In order to commence negotiations with a tramp, you must first give the tramp a small donation (e.g. 50p) in order for the negotiation to commence. Once this has happened, ask for change back that amounts to less than what you gave him (e.g. 25p). Then you must go back on yourself, taking the 50p back then getting the 25p from the tramp, reminding him that he was to give you that money anyway. If 25p isn’t enough, you may complicate things to an extent where you have all his money, he won’t keep up. (Note: It’s important to keep your poker face on and not slip up by sniggering or looking at mates to see if they’re watching.)

Plan B: The ‘School Boy Error’

Though there is a high chance this will fail, success will propel LAD status among LADs. Firstly, you want to create banter with the tramp prior to your move so you can scan the tramp head to toe in order to spot what’s getting mugged. Once you feel ready, the classic “look over there” accompanied with the finger point and shocked face, you will have no longer than a second and a half to take what you spotted previously. Other acceptable calls include “oh my God, check the state of him/her”, “MATE!” and “she’s fit”, all still accompanied with the finger point. It’s then optional if you want to carry on talking then say your goodbye or do a runner. Good luck with this one.

A man from 1745 distracting a tramp.

Plan C: The ‘Act As If It Never Happened’ Technique

This could also work with anyone else, but doing this to a tramp’s far funnier. Once the tramp’s been spotted, just go up and mug him. Instead of running away, have a wee joke with the tramp, claiming it would be stupid to mug someone in daylight. Keep up this charade for as long as it’s necessary until weariness kicks in for the tramp, and that is the signal to change the topic of conversation. Once you reach this stage, you may leave at any point. (Note: Father Ted Crilly almost succeeded in pretending not to kick Bishop Brennan up the arse if it wasn’t for a blown up picture of the event. You must ensure there is no photographic evidence until after proceedings)

Plan D: The Gamble

In order for this to work, picking out a tramp hanging around outside a bookmaker (did the title give it away?) will increase the success rate of the plan. You can’t simply expect him to gamble, so you need to provide an excuse. You must provoke the tramp so that he “hurts your feelings”, then pounce and claim you deserve something in return. This may require a fair amount of convincing, but when you pick something out that the tramp owns, declare a match of ‘Rock, Paper, Scissors’ to decide the destiny of the tramp’s chosen possession. If you lose, you admit defeat graciously and try it again on another designated tramp, though if victorious you must proclaim his belonging and walk away with your head held high.

Plan E: Stop Trying

If you’ve tried all four plans and still haven’t successfully mugged a tramp, don’t rely on the ‘smash and grab’ technique, just give up. Mugging tramps clearly isn’t your greatest attribute.

Wrong tramp.