One time or another, everyone's guilty of making impressions of non-educated delinquents at some point and it's often unfairly exaggerated as even though they're portrayed as the sort of folk who would willingly give away their "burd" for a half bottle of Buckfast, some of them are actually tolerable. Scrap that, neds are the red wine stain to the Glaswegian carpet - always there, difficult to ignore and impossible to get rid of. I was on the train today where I heard someone immitating a ned by saying "naaw, here, git yer burd voddie, then she'll shag ye," only that it wasn't an immitation. It was the real deal.
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| Here's a question: How many of these guys have tried it on the girl in the middle? |
See when we're all at uni, college, work or whatever, these pests exit the sewers and galavant the streets of Glasgow looking for similar creatures to do whatever they do. I don't exactly know what they do apart from walk and have that "haaw mait" sort of tone on them. What they do might be telepathic between their kinds, hence why I don't undestand what activities they take part in. Saying that, one time I seen two of them advertising Adidas better than Lionel Messi shouting slurs until eventually one of them led his 'troops' or 'young team' away. One of their interpretations of girls was crying - presumably the same tears we cry when upset - which apparently means one of two things: (a) a 'fight' is going to break out involving awful insults and the odd push here and there, or (b) the 'team' that makes the girl cry wins that territory and celebrate this by getting hammered off three tins of Super Tennents they nicked from the sewers they live in.
It's fun to immitate them, don't get me wrong as some of the stuff they do or say is genuinely hilarious. Not only hilarious, their kind don't know of this 'line' people don't like to cross (e.g. a joke that's been killed, the sarcastic abuse loses the sarcasm, etc.) so what can be understood is gold. The common "yer a fanny" and "ah dun yer maw in last nite" becomes strainful to immitate so the line is crossed to expand on these 'disses'. When we indulge in creating our best ned accent, there's no line. The ned accent opens that gate for abuse that's tolerated in no other scenario, with nobody able to take serious offence to the disses on offer. I can't quote the disses here as this blog is not in 'ned', it's in English. BUT here's a link to a wordsmith among creatures: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z2uSYckOpv4
What do neds think of themselves? No, we don't need David Attenborough for this as this is an easy one. If you see a ned with an empty bottle in their hand, don't be alarmed as it's not often that they use the bottle as a weapon. Instead, they're showing us they can drink a bottle of whatever they've finished and still walk - quite an achievement for their kind. They don't smile for photographs, but that's not to say they're unhappy, no. Neds have to look cool at all times, which is why the 1990's rapper pose is often unleashed. If they start shouting at eachother, again fret not as they're simply bored - abuse regularly being their cure to boredom.If the word "polis" can be heard from them, you know one or more of the team is going to try and so something mildly illegal to gain an adrenaline rush.
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| WARNING: This man will diss your mum. |
I'll calm it on the ned chat for one day I think as it turns out I don't really have a problem with them. All this blog was generated from one quote from a ned in a train so I apologise. For a first blog in several months, even I expected the subject to be a little more interesting but there you have it. Actually, I typed up a story on this blog in the event of four male neds and one of the female variety stuck in a cage in Edinburgh Zoo, but on a scale of Super Sweet Sixteen to the battle of Helm's Deep, it was terrible so I deleted it. Thankfully.
