The Urinal Code

If there are three vacated urinals in a toilet, and one man decides to use the middle urinal (option two, if you will), how many urinals are left  for the next entrant to occupy? None. Do you know why? Of course you do, it's essentially unwritten law. Most - if not all - guys know when opening a public toilet door that there are specific boundaries in which they must comply. If someone does not adhere to these rules, they will become the victim of several snide looks, the odd "ya wee dirty!" remark and generally becoming a burden on life.

This man has no right to use such innovative urinals.

Rule #1: The one-urinal space between users
The first action that is taken in the male toilets: the decision to either use the urinal or cubicle. There is no cubicle 'law' so I shall ignore that, but when approaching the urinals you have to pick your selection carefully. If you are the only person on the row of urinals, ALWAYS take the end urinal (or beginning, six and half a dozen). It's hard to go wrong here since the only way you become a hinderance to someone else is (as illustrated above) to assume your position in the middle of three urinals. I was hindered by this today, hence the blog. When somebody else is occupying a urinal, don't stand next to them. It is imperative to leave an unused urinal whenever able, though if it is not possible to do so, please don't deliberate and decide on who you'd feel most comfortable next to. That's just a bit creepy.

Rule #2: Don't make anyone else feel uncomfortable
This has two effects that are quite opposite from eachother. Firstly rule #1; don't place yourself directly next to someone else even though there are other options as they may think that you're intruding their privacy (to put it nicely). On the other hand, there is the awkward moment where it becomes obvious you're overthinking things by avoiding the other urinal user(s) by all means necessary. In other words, don't choose option eight when the user is at option one as the user might feel slightly insecure and perhaps even try to smell for their own body ouder. We don't want that. Don't overthink, keep rule #1 in mind as it's a one-urinal space rule, not seven.

Rule #3: If you may, please don't spray (promise I won't be graphic about this)
It speaks for itself really. If the toilet is busier than one would prefer, keep in mind that negligent urination from one user may anger the user occupying the next urinal along (too graphic yet? Ok).

Rule #4: Do not engage in conversation with a random
This one's not important for hygeine, but for dignity and respect more than anything. This situation will more than likely happen in a pub or club and at one point, somebody's going to try and have really awful banter with you. Laugh it off if ignoring fails as disrespect of rule #4 can lead to an infringement of rule #3.

If you do not see someone doing this, punch them. Really hard. In the face.

Rule #5: Wash your hands
Last of all and whatever you do, don't you dare violate this rule.

I think I might put this into legal wording and push for it to be placed in statutory UK law:

The Urinal (Scotland) Act 2011