What I Can't Live Without #3

#3: Something new (never posted a picture in one colour before - new).

I couldn't have stressed enough in the last of these 'What I Can't Live Without' blogs that normality has no place in my life. Before I stated that a normal attitude, sense of humour, etc. was intolerable, yet I'm branching out further by claiming that a normal life also falls into the bracket. What is classed as a normal life? Though there isn't a defining answer on this, having the same daily routine for a stretched period of time becomes a part of your 'normal' life, so things have to change eventually. Think about it this way; take Oasis for example. Why did they make Be Here Now and not a similar album to their first two records? Because it was getting Oasis-normal, they had to tweek their songs so that their fans wouldn't grow tired of normality. Which is why I'm very grateful 'The Life and Times of Mr Cumming' has been thrusted into sixth gear in recent months.

Radio contol and Strongbow? Sold.

Before I rant on any further, I have to take this (near) perfect opportunity to reveal the news that myself and fellow blogger Stephen are in the negotiation stage of hosting our own hour-long radio show though Strathclyde Fusion. See, it's (near) perfect because it actually bears significance to this blog, yet is surprising news to a few folk reading this. As you can tell - whether you know me well or not - I can talk for Scotland and so far have only found this blog as a place of solitude, but somwhere I can blether away AND play a few of mine and Stephen's favourite tunes in the middle with people - hopefully - tuning in live?  I've even produced a big cheesy smile at the thought of it.

(at the moment, it's looking like Tuesdays at 10pm - subject to change)

I suppose becoming a 'radio DJ' is one way to escape the shackles of normality. Quite a drastic change too - not to mention giving that good old Curriculum Vitae a nice glossy touch. When wanting something new in your life, you know one change is nowhere near enough! That's where The Cathouse Rock Club comes into the picture. I like... Not using the word 'normal... Let's call them Lady GaGa clubs as much as the next drunk, but again, change is where it's at. It's not that I crave for a mosh pit every week nor that I want to become a 'Catty regular', but the dancefloors have such a different vibe to them, everybody's "buzzin'" and after finding a new 'song of the moment' in Rammstein's Du Hast, it offers a very unique option to the half-drunken 11pm question: "Where we headed?"

Rammstein: Making my nights that bit better since 2011.

I could go on all night about what's changed in 2011, but the other major change is the absence of T in the Park. Don't get me wrong, the last four years have been some of the best weekends of my life, yet it's become a formality in my life, a bit like Christmas. Unlike Christmas though, I'm changing this formality as I need something new - even downgrading to Rockness would still provide something new for me to experience.

Then there's the 'antler dance' (made famous by Papa Joes Restaurant - Dundee), but that'll be for another day. There's also the new pet (which I like to call Cyclops), but that wasn't my move so it's not ME giving MYSELF something new to look forward to. Irrelevant.

Bear in mind that some things have to stay the same: being a LAD (there's your shout out Rossy), the constant disappointment of supporting Dundee United, drumming, FIFA-related anger, drunken tomfoolery, TFI Friday, my immature side (see 'What I Can't Live Without #2) and lots more I can't really be bothered typing out. So... Yeh, that's pretty much it. Three weeks since my last blog entry and already I'm showing signs of forgetting what a blog is.

The Urinal Code

If there are three vacated urinals in a toilet, and one man decides to use the middle urinal (option two, if you will), how many urinals are left  for the next entrant to occupy? None. Do you know why? Of course you do, it's essentially unwritten law. Most - if not all - guys know when opening a public toilet door that there are specific boundaries in which they must comply. If someone does not adhere to these rules, they will become the victim of several snide looks, the odd "ya wee dirty!" remark and generally becoming a burden on life.

This man has no right to use such innovative urinals.

Rule #1: The one-urinal space between users
The first action that is taken in the male toilets: the decision to either use the urinal or cubicle. There is no cubicle 'law' so I shall ignore that, but when approaching the urinals you have to pick your selection carefully. If you are the only person on the row of urinals, ALWAYS take the end urinal (or beginning, six and half a dozen). It's hard to go wrong here since the only way you become a hinderance to someone else is (as illustrated above) to assume your position in the middle of three urinals. I was hindered by this today, hence the blog. When somebody else is occupying a urinal, don't stand next to them. It is imperative to leave an unused urinal whenever able, though if it is not possible to do so, please don't deliberate and decide on who you'd feel most comfortable next to. That's just a bit creepy.

Rule #2: Don't make anyone else feel uncomfortable
This has two effects that are quite opposite from eachother. Firstly rule #1; don't place yourself directly next to someone else even though there are other options as they may think that you're intruding their privacy (to put it nicely). On the other hand, there is the awkward moment where it becomes obvious you're overthinking things by avoiding the other urinal user(s) by all means necessary. In other words, don't choose option eight when the user is at option one as the user might feel slightly insecure and perhaps even try to smell for their own body ouder. We don't want that. Don't overthink, keep rule #1 in mind as it's a one-urinal space rule, not seven.

Rule #3: If you may, please don't spray (promise I won't be graphic about this)
It speaks for itself really. If the toilet is busier than one would prefer, keep in mind that negligent urination from one user may anger the user occupying the next urinal along (too graphic yet? Ok).

Rule #4: Do not engage in conversation with a random
This one's not important for hygeine, but for dignity and respect more than anything. This situation will more than likely happen in a pub or club and at one point, somebody's going to try and have really awful banter with you. Laugh it off if ignoring fails as disrespect of rule #4 can lead to an infringement of rule #3.

If you do not see someone doing this, punch them. Really hard. In the face.

Rule #5: Wash your hands
Last of all and whatever you do, don't you dare violate this rule.

I think I might put this into legal wording and push for it to be placed in statutory UK law:

The Urinal (Scotland) Act 2011